Troubles of the Sorting Hat
by MnemeMemory
Summary: Oneshot! The time has come, once again, for the Sorting Hat to Sort Hogwarts's new protectors! (also: Fairy Tail comes to Hogwarts, and hilarity ensues). T to be safe.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. _Nothing_ (apart from my crazed imagination, of course). I own neither _Harry Potter_ (God, I wish) or _Fairy Tail_ (cries).

**Warnings**: Swearing, Gray being Gray (stripping) and alcohol (Cana).

Enjoy!

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"Please give a warm welcome to some new transfers."

The Sorting Hat stared at the newcomers wearily. Transfers at Hogwarts never went well. The last time people had come…the Hat shuddered (no one had, as of yet, managed to get all that glitter out of the Owlery). So, no, transfers were _not_ a good sign.

Still, it had been unable to persuade Headmaster Dumbledore to change his mind.

"They have very graciously agreed to protect the school for the next half-year,"

_We're paying them too much_, the Hat grumbled to itself.

"First up, please welcome a Mr Natsu Dragneel,"

A very fit looking man with wild, spiky pink hair practically ran over to the stood and jammed it onto his head.

The Hat winced, but started Sorting.

_You're a very simple man, Mr Dragneel_, the Hat commented.

"COOL!" Natsu yelled delightedly. "It's TALKS!"

"Natsu…" a busty blond sighed resignedly.

_Please don't take that as an insult_, the Hat said, though in truth it realised that it was very unlikely Natsu would take it that way. _Just because your mind seems simple on the surface doesn't mean you aren't, in truth, extremely complex_.

"Thanks?" Natsu blinked owlishly.

_I think that you would do well in Hufflepuff – loyalty to your friends, and your Guild, seems to be your defining characteristic._

"Of course!" Natsu beamed. "I would do _anything_ for my _nakama_!"*

_But, of course, you _are_ incredibly brave…_

"Can Happy come with me?" Natsu asked anxiously.

_I'm sure that the Headmaster will not object to the talking cat coming with you_, the Hat promised.

"YAY! Hey, Lucy! Happy can come!"

"Oh, great," the same blond muttered. "I've got to deal with the _cat_ as well?"

"Awh, Luce! Don't be like that!" Natsu laughed.

_Definitely got to be _"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"YAY!"

Natsu threw the Hat (now feeling quite disgruntled) back onto the stool and bounced off, amidst much laugher and many smiles. The Hat noticed with no small sense of smugness that the Hufflepuff's welcomed the strange new person well.

"Next is Lucy Heartfilia!"

A bouncy, bubbly blond walked up to the Hat and placed it onto her head.

_Good evening, Ms Heartfilia_.

"Look, just put me with Natsu, okay?" Lucy sounded resigned. "If I'm not, he'll go psycho. If I'm not there to control him…" a shudder went through her body.

The Hat sorted through her memories and would have winced (if it could) at how much damage such a short boy could do.

_Perhaps you are right…_ it mused. _Though I will not place you in a House just because I don't want the Headmaster to deal with more damage bills…_

"I suppose, since this is a magic school…" Lucy mused. "Maybe you could just – magic it back to normal? Though I don't think that really worked in Magnolia…"

_Oh dear_, the Hat sighed. _You have a remarkable aptitude towards Gryffindor. You _are_ incredibly brave_.

"I'm loyal, too, right? C'mon, just put me with Natsu and save yourself a headache. Well, not _you_ – save the Headmaster a headache." There was a pause. "Of course, Natsu really isn't _my_ problem…" something in her voice made the Hat wonder if he was missing something.

_You seem to be affiliated towards Hufflepuff as well, though_, the Hat assured her hastily. _Your loyalty to your Guild is remarkable – though, from what I've seen so far, it seems as though it will be a common denominator when regarding people from Fairy Tail_.

"There's no better Guild," Lucy announced proudly.

_Hufflepuff, then?_

"You're just sticking me there so I can control Natsu, aren't you?" Lucy sighed.

_I _promise_ you that, even if Natsu wasn't there, it would still be a hard choice between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, _the Hat promised.

"Great."

_Good. _"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Muttering under her breath, Lucy went over to sit next to her best friend, who was grinning like he had just won a million jewels. Lucy's annoyed composure seemed to soften as he ran up to hug her (though, the Hat noticed, it didn't stop her from trying to brain him when she started to choke from his tight hold).

"Gray Fullbuster!"

A tall man with dark hair and no shirt strode towards the Hat with alarming focus.

"Oi! Gray! Your shirt!" a tall woman in a blue bikini top roared.

"DAMMIT!"

Five minutes later (during which the group scurried around, trying to find the strange boy's shirt) the Hat was safely on the boy's head and ready to begin the Sorting.

"Sorry about that," the boy coughed, embarrassed.

_No problem. Compulsive stripping, huh? That's got to be tough_.

"Oh, you have _no _idea. But it's not my fault!" the boy insisted. "Blame it on my teacher, Ur! _She _taught me to do it!"

_Mhm_. The Hat would have nodded, if it had been able to. _Now, back to the Sorting. You, too, are loyal to your friends. But your temperament is a bit…strong…to fit in well with the Hufflepuffs._

"Please," Gray snorted. "You just don't want me to be in the same house as Natsu."

_That too_, the Hat agreed weakly, thinking of all the damage that they could do whilst fighting. _Perhaps Gryffindor?_

"Maybe," Gray grinned. "I think I'd like it in that house." Then he sighed. "But it's all _red_. I can't _deal_ with wearing _red_. It's to – to…" he struggled to find a word.

_Natsu?_ The Hat offered obligingly.

"Yeah. That."

_Then perhaps Slytherin is more your speed, hmm?_

"Are you offering that based purely on colour?" Gray asked suspiciously.

_Of course not. You're ambitious and motived. While at many times you lack subtlety, you _are_ incredibly cunning_.

"And it's green, right? Green is a _cool_ colour."

_Not a hint of warmth_, the Hat promised. _And the dorms are in the basement_.

"Sweet!"

_I'm glad you're so happy – though I should warn you, Slytherin's are not generally accepted in the wider school_.

"Meh. It's not like my _nakama _will care about that."

_Good. _"SLYTHERIN!"

Gray nodded and put the Hat down, beginning to walk toward the cheering tbale.

"STRIPPER!" Natsu roared from next to Lucy . "YOUR SHIRT!"

"SHIT!"

"Cana Alberona," the Headmaster called hastily.

A tall woman in a blue bikini shirt and skin-tight brown pants sauntered to the Hat.

"You don't look so scary," she said, taking a swig from her hip flask.

"Is that…alcohol?" even the Headmaster seemed nonplussed for a second.

"Of _course_ not," the woman said, plonking the Hat on.

_That is alcohol_, the Hat protested.

"Of _course_ it is," Cana sighed. "But I'm not going to _admit_ to that, am I?"

_Ahh, I suppose not_.

"Good. Now Sort me so I can go back to drinking,"

_Your tolerance is impressive._

"Why, thanks!" Cana sounded pleased.

_You'd do well in all four Houses, actually_, the Hat was surprised. _I think I'll put you in Slytherin, however. You can keep an eye on your friend Gray, there_.

"You do realise that I _instigate_ most of the fights between Natsu and Gray for profit, right?"

…_I realise that_.

"Are you prepared to live with the consequences?"

_No – but, then again, I'm not _really_ alive, am I?_ the Hat pointed out. "SLYTHERIN!"

"This is all on you," Cana said, skipping over to Gray and taking another long drink from her flask (much to the stripper's amusement).

"Erza Scarlet," the Headmaster said.

A tall woman with striking red hair and shining plate armour marched smartly over to the Hat and shoved it onto her head.

_Good evening, Ms Scarlet_.

"Don't you dare rummage around my mind," the ordered frostily. "You will place me in either Gryffindor of Hufflepuff. From what I've heard about those two houses, I seem to be most compatible with them. Gryffindor would be strategically preferable; so far, we have two people each in both Hufflepuff and Slytherin. If we are to protect the school, I believe that we need at least one person in each house."

_That leaves Ravenclaw_, the Haw pointed out.

"I have a feeling one of my remaining friends will get into that house." Erza smirked.

The Hat thought it over.

"Hurry up. I haven't got all day," the red-haired warrior huffed, crossing her arms over her armour.

For the first time in its long history, the Hat felt almost afraid for its not-life. "GRYFFINDOR!" it shouted hastily.

"Very good." Erza nodded regally, every bit the Fairy Queen Titania, and strode purposefully towards the House of Lions.

_A good fit_, the Hat mused (okay, so _maybe_ he had snuck a peek at her mind – it had been _before_ she had told him not to, though; honest).

"Wendy Marvel!"

A small girl with blue hair skipped shyly over to the Hat and sat at the stool, blushing as the entire school turned to stare at her.

"Good evening, Sorting Hat," she murmured politely.

_How very kind. Good evening to you too, Wendy_.

"What House do you plan on Sorting me into?" she asked curiously.

_Finally, a child with manners_, the Hat exclaimed in exasperation. _I think I'll put you with your friends Natsu and Lucy. Hufflepuff is a good fit for your character_.

"Thanks!" Wendy beamed. "Charle will be so happy!"

_We are in agreement, then? Good:_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Wendy fairly flew towards her friends, tackling an enthusiastic Natsu in a large hug. The Hat felt a brief glow of recognition; Hufflepuff was the _perfect_ place for that little girl. Her determination and loyalty were commendable.

"Levy McGarden!"

A small girl – almost as small as Wendy, though obviously older – strode forward (leaving a single, hulking figure in the middle of the Great Hall) and sat straight-backed on the stool.

_You have quite an interesting mind, Ms McGarden_, the Hat commented politely.

"Wow! Magical artefacts that talk are really rare!" she exclaimed in surprise. "How were you made? How do you Sort people? You're supposed to be able to read minds or something, right? Does that work if they have a shield-charm? What about if they're trained in repelling attacks are mistake you for someone with ill intent? Would you be hurt? Would _they_ be hurt? How powerful are you?"

_Please calm down_! The Hat said quickly. _I'm not sure. I've only ever Sorted children, Ms McGarden_.

"Ooh," Levy sighed in disappointment.

_You must be the Guild member that Ms Scarlet mentioned earlier. Yes, there is only one place for a mind such as yours_: "RAVENCLAW!"

Levy sighed and put the Hat back onto the stool, going over to the Ravenclaw table. _Yes, she will do well there_, the Hat decided firmly. _Her Housemates will inspire her to greater heights, and she will connect to them with incredible ease_…

"And, last – but certainly not least – Gajeel Redfox!"

_This one will prove to be interesting_, the Hat thought, remembering everything he had found out during his brief time in the other transfer's minds.

"Ya gonna put me in that snake House, ain't ya?' Gajeel asked gruffly, jamming the hat over his ridiculously long mane of hair.

_Now, now, no need to be hasty_, the Hat said, curiously poking around.

"From what I've seen, Hat, the people that ain't nice get put in that snake House." Gajeel muttered. "And I ain't nice. Go ahead."

_I put your friends Cana and Gray in that House as well. Are they not nice?_

Gajeel broke into a reluctant smile. "They're sneaky. Ya put sneaky people in that House too, right? Mira'd go there, if you Sorted her. Sneaky."

_You don't believe yourself to be sneaky_? The Hat asked, intrigued.

"I told ya. I ain't nice."

_But you _are_ brave. Accepting the offer to Fairy Tail, even after everything you've done – that takes guts_.

"If yer judging me…" Gajeel growled menacingly.

_Nothing of the sort_! The Hat said hastily.

"Just hurry up an' put me in Slytherin," Gajeel sighed.

_Ah – no. I don't think so. Your bravery – what you've done _outside_ Phantom Lord – outweighs whatever you've done in the past. You've risked life and limb for this Guild_.

"What'r ya sayin'?" Gajeel muttered, bewildered.

_You're _not_ Slytherin material, I'm afraid. I'm going to put you in _"GRYFFINDOR!"

Blinking in absolute shock, Gajeel mechanically placed the hat down and went to sit next to Erza. He grabbed a fork and started chewing on it therapeutically (much to the shock and horror of the people next to him).

"And now, let us eat!" The Headmaster said grandly.

The hat just sighed. Another round of transfers done.

Now to go and hide in the Headmaster's office, so that when the chaos _did_ start, it would be far – _far_ – away.

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* Japanese for 'family' or 'friends' (depending on the translator). Thanks to 'Guest' for pointing that out. fd

**Author's Note**: I hope whoever reads this liked it! Next Year: Yu-Gi-Oh!


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